Oh man, I’ve been there and it is such a hard situation to be in. I had a good guy friend at church and we would hang out together and play sports together. It was just a very casual friendship and, because of my own background, I make 100% sure that I dress modestly. I never want a man to think about me that way (unless of course, it’s my husband). I just never want to be responsible for causing a brother in Christ to stumble.
One day, this particular guy and I were setting up for a church event when he said, “I need to tell you something.” I said sure, and he took a deep breath and in one breath said, “Jessica, there are times when I’ve seen your body as nothing more than a woman’s body. I have entertained lustful fantasies about you and want to know if you would please forgive me.”
To be brutally honest (and not to belittle sexual assault by any means), I could only describe my feelings by saying it felt like my soul had been raped. I had done everything to protect men from going there and he had gone there. It was crushing. I was devastated. I went home and stared at my closet, wondering if I needed to go and buy potato sacks. I thought through everything I ever did with him, every outfit I wore, every thing I said. I had never even touched this guy. I was so careful… where did I go wrong?
In the days following though, God used some people to bring out a very real truth. I am not responsible for that man’s thoughts. I can’t be. It’s too much of a burden to bear. If I am doing everything in my power to conduct my life in a way that honors and glorifies God, I cannot control where others take me in their mind. As one man said, “We are men and we are attracted to beauty; it’s up to us what we do with that attraction.”
In this particular situation, though, I felt it best to end our friendship. He was shocked and rather upset. He couldn’t figure out what my big problem was (the whole ‘boys will be boys’ attitude) but I had done all I could to protect him. The only other way I saw was to exit his life and then I could rest assured I wasn’t causing him to stumble. Sometimes, in my case, knowing me and knowing what I’ve done is a downfall to men.
In your case, it sounds like you are doing the best you can to honor and glorify God in how you dress. The fact that his lustful thoughts bother you speak to pure motives, so I have no doubt that you aren’t drawing sexual attention to yourself. Where he takes you in his mind is, unfortunately, his problem and is something he needs to take to God. I would ask my friends to stop telling me when he’s thinking that way (I am assuming someone has told you he feels that way about you). The less you know, the better because it really has nothing to do with you. Pray for him. Pray that God would protect his mind and continue to protect your heart and then just be really careful with how you act around him. Make sure that you don’t spend any alone time with him and limit any physical contact with any guys when you are around him.
It is definitely not a great situation, but we do live in a fallen world and we can’t forget that.
The first of Beggar’s Daughter’s online surveys. Let’s do this! Help me out ladies! No matter who you are, whether or not pornography is an issue for you, please take two minutes and complete the survey.
Sexting was definitely gaining national attention about two or three years ago. In 2008, there was an instance in Ohio of a young woman committing suicide after sexting her boyfriend. I can definitely write up a post on it, though it is a form of pornography.
You absolutely have my prayers. I know it’s hard but please remember that, if you are in Christ, you are already free! He made you brand new! It is so important that we walk in that truth.
Yes, I’m still alive, and doing very well. Thank you for your encouraging notes. I still find it so amazing the freedom that comes through confession.
This month is full of huge ministry steps forward and I need to know the answer to this one question:
How many of you have a electronic book reading device (thingymadubab)?
So, this weekend, I fell, both literally and figuratively. I actually did slip on a tile floor at work, bruising my back, scratching my arm and giving me some form of whiplash. And then, less than 24 hours later, as if the fact that women still struggle with pornography needed to be affirmed for some reason, I slipped down a slope of tempation and right back into the pit of darkness I’ve spent the last two years trying to destroy.
Yep! Women still struggle. Just thought you should know.
If no one else, I need my ministry.
No, I’m not proud of it, and no I’m not airing my dirty laundry. It’s the truth, plain and simple. I’m human, and will be until the day I die. It doesn’t excuse what I’ve done, it just makes it possible for me to do what I’ve done.
Likewise, His grace and forgiveness made it possible for me to nearly die of laughter last night with my family. His grace and forgiveness made it possible for me to hop in the car this morning, crank up Francesca Battistelli’s “Free to Be Me” and rock it all the way to work.
I’m not crazy. I’m free. Freedom is a lifestyle of walking in the victory given by Calvary.
The way I see it, I had two choices this morning: I could walk in the shadow of my sin, or walk in the shadow of the cross. The cross, I will have you know, is much easier to bear.
From the Beggar’s Daughter blog
“…How would our lives change if we lived everyday in the shadow of the cross? If we stopped to realize the price paid for the freedom we already have? The freedom we so often choose to forsake for the sake of our own pleasure.We are guilty of the scandalous. We fight at the foot of the cross. We lie at the foot of the cross. We steal at the foot of the cross. We envy at the foot of the cross. We lust at the foot of the cross. We even have orgies at the foot of the cross.
What a vile people we are, and how it must break His heart. Can you imagine, our Saviour looking down from Calvary, bearing the sin and the weight of the world on His shoulders and witnessing that? You think He didn’t know our sin? You think He didn’t see? I assure you He knew full well the people He died for, and yet He died anyway.
Oh what a Saviour!”
When someone had a lot of things going on, my gramma used to say they have “a lot of irons in the fire.”
Beggar’s Daughter has a lot of irons in the fire, and I want you to be a part of it.
Ministry, to me, has always been something personal. If we don’t have a personal ministry, we don’t have a ministry. I can remember being a young girl and writing to Christian musicians asking how they did it, and the response was… well… there wasn’t one. The first response I ever got was an autographed picture and a generic letter thanking me for writing and how the artist is so encouraged when her fans write to her.
About 8 years ago, that changed. Author Dannah Gresh had come to my college and I had written her a heartfelt letter and handed it to her after her second chapel service. She had spoken on men struggling with pornography. My male friends were ticked at the fact that a woman had the audacity to speak to them about their struggle with pornography, but I was just happy to hear the word come off a woman’s tongue.
I received a response a week later in which Dannah said that there were no resources for women but maybe I “would be the first to write them.” That was far from my mind, but God changed my mind over the next couple years, and four years after that letter was written, I realized my heart was in ministry, and I realized two things from that letter.
1) I may not be first, but I would be one
2) When I became one, I would not lose sight of the people God had called me to reach
Dannah took an opportunity to have a personal ministry and the good stewardship of that opportunity changed the course of my life. I have never forgotten that letter— it’s one of the most important ones I’ve received in all of my life.
That being said, here’s where you come in
If you are a young woman who is struggling with pornography, masturbation, lust… I need your story. If you have struggled, I need your story. I need your feedback for a lot of the irons that are in the fire right now.
Ready? Here’s your assignment. Consider it Assignment Tumblr, because no one else is getting this assignement.
- If you are struggling (or have struggled) with pornography, masturbation and lust, share your story. Give church/family background, how you were exposed, ways you’ve tried to break free, how lust has changed you, etc.
- If you have found freedom, give the same information as above, but tack on how you found your escape. Was there someone who reached out to you? How did they make you feel safe?
- If you walked into a bookstore and saw a book in the women’s section for women struggling with pornography, when you flipped it open to the table of contents, what would you want to see?
- In that same book, if you turned it over and read the back, what ideas could you read that would inspire you to keep reading that book?
- Chocolate or vanilla? (yes, I did, because I can)
Feel free to either ‘ask’ me the answers to these questions (if that doesn’t sound like Jeopardy). Share this with your friends. Let’s do this thing.
As all of these ‘irons’ go in the fire, I know some may not work, but I choose to believe that this is a calling God has on my life and one He wants you to help fulfill. Ministry is nothing if it isn’t personal.
